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The tooth fairy assigned to our house STINKS. She's awful. Very unreliable. Subpar, to say the least.
It's a shame, really. A true and utter disgrace.
Drew has left his tooth under his pillow TWO nights in a row, and she never came by to pay us a visit. What a rip off. Poor kid.
This will not be tolerated any longer. I demand our tooth fairy be fired. And new fairy be appointed to my kids.
Effective immediately.
I had so much fun shopping for the prize I had promised on the Double Digits post. A.LOT.OF.FUN. So much fun that I think we should make it a regular occurrence here at An Iowa Mom.
What do you think? Every month. Yes?
Before I left to purchase the loot, I asked Jake what his favorite color was. He answered, "Either Black or White".
So ... everything I picked up for the prize was black and white. This made it so much fun. Each month, I'll use a different color or theme.
Here is what was sent to Kellyn as the winner of the inaugural contest:
There was also a black and white purse that I picked up to include ... but I kept it for myself, because, you know ... I'm selfish like that.
What? I had to be rewarded for all my hard shopping, right? I mean, come on, I was doing all this with a 2 year old running beside me ... that's got to be worth something!
Next month, I'll have the items purchased in advance to offer up for the winning. Hhhmmmm, what color theme should I go with?
Like many bloggers, I occasionally glance into my site meter and look up the search words people so freely type into Google or Yahoo and miraculously find my blog because of it.
After surveying some of the results, I'm questioning the impression one might get while visiting An Iowa Mom.
Boot Camp Iowa Children
Illegal Boys in Girl Underwear
How to Build My Own Spy Camera
Kid Up at 3 am Screaming for Mommy
Expect Nothing Less
And my favorite, because after reading the above searches to find An Iowa Mom ... it's a modern day miracle that anyone visits this blog at all.
This morning Jake and I had the following conversation:
Me: After school we are going to go down to the mall for dinner and go to The Children's Museum.
Jake: Oh no. The Children's Museum? Do we have to?
Me: What's wrong with going to The Children's Museum?
Jake: "CHILDREN'S" is in the title. Hello? I'm going to be in the double digits soon ... I'm a MAN now!
Oh, excuse me. I totally overlooked that fact. My fault.
you make lemonade, right?
That's what I did. A whole gallon.
And then Drew asked me for some. My response was to wait just a minute, while I was in the middle of something (According To Jim, but that's beside the point).
Having inherited his patience from me, he whined a little and said he could pour his own.
I obliged with the all too common, "DO NOT spill it. Do you understand me?"
You all know where this is going, right?
Drew carefully poured his glass of lemonade. When the sugary substance made it to the top of the over priced Rain Forest Cafe ... he kept pouring.
And pouring.
And pouring.
HELLO?
Then startled that he was doing such a thing, he shuttered in disbelief and the pitcher left his hands and the entire gallon spread over my freshly scrubbed kitchen floor.
Yes. Big Daddy came home from work today and cleaned all the floors, before he sped off with Jake to ball practice.
My reaction to this "little accident"?
I haven't had one yet.
I cleaned it all up with a smile plastered on my face and my eyes wide open. Drew is still in the corner muttering, "You're scaring me, Mom? Mom? Are you okay? You are really really scaring me!"
Not a word has been said.
I don't know if I should blow.
Say I told you NOT to spill.
Tell the kids they are slowly killing me.
Or just go lock myself in the bedroom and not come out until morning.
What would you do?
How in the world can it be possible for McDonald's to be out of COKE?
I'm not kidding.
OUT OF COKE.
At McDonald's.
Pissed me off.
I'd rather drink stale water than Diet Coke. And Diet Coke is what I've got here in my cup.
Ugh!
It would be like Hooters flat out of beer. Just shouldn't happen.
My youngest daughter has finally gotten off of me and I was able to select a winner for the prize on my Double Digits post. I used a generator at Random.org
And the generator says ...
That means ... Kellyn ... YOU ARE THE WINNER!
Now, of course, because Molly has been ill, I haven't been able to do the shopping required to collect the items I wanted to share, but we have our trip planned tomorrow and the prize will be mailed on Friday.
Come on, it took me two days to choose the winner, did you really expect that I'd have the prize??? You all really need to get to know me better.
I'll give everyone a peek at what is being sent tomorrow.
Kellyn, send me an email and let me know where to send your goodies.
Thanks again to all who participated.
OMG - I do not know what kind of children I am raising. The following event is taking place in my home, right now ... with my sweet, darling daughters. You know, the 4 year old and 2 year old.
I think this is called LIVE BLOGGING. But, I'm not that cool or hip ... so I'm not totally for sure.
Molly was rolling around on the ottoman. Emily wanted her to stop. Molly didn't stop. Emily pushed Molly off the ottoman.
I saw the whole thing.
Me: Emily. You come with me RIGHT NOW. You are sitting in time out for pushing your sister. We DO NOT PUSH. Is that clear?
Emily: Yes Mamn.
Molly: Good job, Mom. Give me a high five.
Emily (from time out): That is WRONG. You should not high five because I'm in time out.
Silence ... because we don't talk to the one in time out, while they are in time out.
Emily singing to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star: Like a diamond in the sky. I wish my sister would just die.
Me ... about falling out of my chair: EMILY. We DO NOT talk like that.
Emily: I'm not talking . I'm singing. And, how long am I going to be in time out anyway?
Silence ... because we don't talk to the one in time out, while they are in time out.
Molly (standing in front of Emily with her hands on her hips): 3 HOURS!
Emily (bawls). You know that bawl with the mouth WIDE OPEN.
Molly (walking away with hands on her hips): Or 20 HOURS!
Emily (bawls louder).
Me: Could you all slow down? I am trying to blog this and can't type that fast.
Thank you so much to everyone who left those fantastic ideas on my Double Digits post. My thought was to choose a winner by selecting the poster who's ingenious idea I actually used. Well, there were so many, and I believe that I'll be using a little bit of this and a little bit of that. So, I will RANDOMLY be selecting a post and announce him/her as the winner.
While this is a fairly easy task, I'm finding it impossible, because at the moment, there is a 2 year old laying on me, with a fever, cough and vomiting. Good times. This is what makes motherhood grand.
Ugh! NOT!
Anyway, Molly finally came down with the full fledged "yuckies" and is demanding (and that is an understatement) every moment I'm physically able to give her. So, when I get her down for some sleep, I will post the winner. I know you can barely contain yourselves, huh?
Sorry to make you wait. I'm a loser like that.
But I am very thankful for all of your fantastic ideas. I think this will be a party Jake will remember for a long long time.
On another note, since I'm completely inapt, and unable to bestow the title of WINNER on anyone, head over to Iowa Geek. She is holding her monthly scrap-bribing contest again and it's full of fabulous summer stuff. And ... she is more on top of things than I am ... so she won't delay ... keeping you all on pins and needles, like me.
Really!
She's not nearly the loser that I am.
So, while you wait for me to get my act together, get on over there and leave her a comment and you'll be entered to win ... and please don't forget to tell her that An Iowa Mom sent you.
Oh, and I have to share that this this post took me almost a hour to type with Molly laying on me like a bump on a log. HA!
Only one more week until Jake turns 10. TEN! TEN YEARS OLD.
My Baby.
Gosh, my heart aches just thinking of him being 10. Double Digits. I can still remember when I turned 10. And that was a LONG time ago.
But not too long. Ahem.
Every year we promise Jake a party. Something fun. Invite all your friends and we'll have a good time. He makes out a list. He gets excited.
Baseball starts.
Football starts.
Soccer starts.
The party is forgotten.
Jake never complains.
THIS year, we are not going to let it slide by. No way. This is double digit year. This is big time. Right?
He asked to have 10 friends sleep over.
Oh dear Lord, help me please.
I agreed. We'd have a Wii Party. A tournament, of sorts. That they'll win prizes (party favors). And we'll have lots of fun.
While normally I'd like to think of myself as fairly creative, I don't feel like it right now.
I don't know what 10 year old boys like. I'm envisioning them all being bored. Wondering why in the heck Jake invited them over. Wishing their mother's would appear to bring them home.
SOoooo ....
I need YOU ALL! Some ideas please.
As in:
HELP! This is my FIRST 10 year old.
Who hasn't had a party or celebration in 3 years.
I want this to be special. But I can't do it alone ...
Ideas please!!
Give me your thoughts and I'll enter you into a contest to win a special something. I'm not telling you what it is ... because this is all about surprises ... but I'm sure you won't be disappointed.
Just leave a comment to be entered. And I'm not saying that there will be just ONE winner.
Comments will close at 9pm on Monday. Winner(s) announced on Tuesday!
Good Luck. I just know with you all on my side, this will be the best party EVER!
This week is our Spring Break. We made plans to visit an indoor hotel waterpark about an hour or so away. This mini-vacation was planned back in December and the kids have been looking forward to it with much excitement.
We didn't go.
Why you ask?
Well, as you know I'm the meanest mother on the planet. Well, maybe not the planet, but for sure the meanest in the state of Iowa.
It was either that or the fact the entire freakin' family had to come down with the flu ...
So, while we are supposed to have gone here:
The ONLY place we've ventured out to this week is here:
And my children had the nerve to complain. GEEZ! Can't they just be happy that I brought them SOMEWHERE?
Ungrateful little boogers!
Or do my kids just enjoy being mean to me? Their mom. The one who gave them life. Maybe it's payback for me tormenting them on occasion. Rare. occasion.
But, that's my prerogative?
My right at a mother.
To torment my children, correct? I think it's in my job description. I'm pretty sure anyway.
Oh well, that's beside the point, because they are just being cruel to me. Down right mean.
Like at the hospital with Emily.
Tonight, I was gleefully preparing them dinner. (Yeah, right, "gleeful" is definitely not a word to describe myself ... especially when I'm slaving over a hot stove making a meal at least three of the four rug rats won't even eat).
Anyway, I'm pretending to be "gleeful" ... so I was belting out a little tune. You know, the kind that one uses their best opera voice and makes up the 
words that pertain to their children. If you haven't tried this ... you should ... it is SO.MUCH.FUN.
However, while I was entertaining my children with my lovely singing voice (just so you know, even I am laughing as I type this) ... Jake utters: "My gosh, I'd rather have scissors jabbed in my ears, than listen to this."
Drew then chimed in with, "I'd use the scissors to CUT OFF my ears, it's so bad!"
That's nice.
I spit in their food.
Brats!
Miss Thing has been discharged from the hospital and will be home within the hour. No fever since midnight.
Of course, she didn't eat ANYTHING the entire time we were there. Now that she has been released, lunch showed up as they were walking out ... and low and behold she insists on staying and eating it. HA! Leave it to Emily to irritate the hell out of you even when you're feeling sorry for her because she's sick.
Big Daddy says that she is VERY grumpy and will probably want to sleep when she returns, but at least she'll be HOME.
And then ... I can carry on with my regular scheduled blogging.
Thanks again to everyone for your well wishes. I read them all to Emily and when I do, she just beams. I don't know what it is, but she sure loves Bloggyville.
I can't say I blame her.
This afternoon the nurse was in the room taking Emily's temperature and I was standing by Emily's side to assist. Yeah, I know there is nothing I can do and the nurse has it completely under control ... but appease me by thinking that I am of SOME SORT of help here. Okay?
Anyway, as the nurse is pulling the thermometer out of her ear, Emily announces, "Mommy, you don't look very beautiful at all today. You must be having a bad day, huh?"
Thanks, dear! Glad you were feeling well enough to notice.
--> Update: No vomiting since yesterday. Also, refuses to eat since yesterday, with the exception of 5 bites of chocolate pudding. Taking in very little drink on her own. Temperature is coming up at 102 as of right now, so things are a little better. Don't know if they will let us go home today or if we'll be here another night. We'll see!
Oh ... and good Lord, Big Daddy wants me to add that he is doing all the laundry while at home and I'm here with Emily. Why is it that men need so much praise for doing the little things that we do on a daily basis with no recognition at all?
Just kidding, Big Daddy ... I really do appreciate it. Now get back to folding and putting it all away ... I hate that part.
Yup, that's what we have here. A repeat performance of last year when the girls got sick. Only this year, we'll leave Molly out of it. She's the only one who managed to escape this hell the rest of our family has been enduring since the beginning of the week.
Isn't it horrible, but I have to admit, both Big Daddy and I wished Molly would get sick, so she'd quit running around the house getting into everything ... and let us get some rest?? But she hasn't thus far, and big picture, I'm happy about that.
Miss Emily has gotten sick enough for both of them. We are in the hospital as I type this, hooked up to an IV to rehydrate and pump some meds into her. I don't know what it is about this kid, but when she gets sick ... she does it up right. Two days ago she had a tiny cough. Today a 104 degree fever and vomiting.
In the hospital.
This uncomfortable chair will be my bed tonight.
Thank goodness for WiFi and Papa Johns Online Ordering.
And yes, when we left for the doctor this morning, I packed my computer JUST IN CASE. Because I'm a nerd like that.
Hey, it paid off, didn't it?
While I would like to tell you that the reason I didn't blog the past few days is because Ty and the rest of the ABC Extreme Makeover crew showed up at my house ... screaming through their megaphones that I have been chosen as their next transformation. And I forgot to grab my computer before they bulldozed my house ... wait, forget my computer ... yeah, that would never happen.
I can't. As that is not the reason at all.
Not even close.
Nothing even remotely that exciting.
Ever since Monday we've had an illness sweep through this house like wildfire. It started with:
Here we are on Thursday, and those two above are STILL sick and we've added ...
and ME. Only I'm not showing you a picture of that. You think I look scary when I'm healthy ... you should see me now.
So, anyway, I just wanted you all to know that I'm still alive ... barely.
I just knew you all were wondering and had noticed that I hadn't been around. (laughing to myself) And if you didn't notice ... well pretend that you did, okay?
Loved all your questions and I promise I will get to answering those as soon as I can stay in an upward position for longer than 7 minutes at a time.
I loathe daylight savings time.
I woke up this morning and felt like I was going on vacation. You know, when you get up in the pitch dark, at the crack of dawn to get to the airport 2 hours early to catch a flight ... that will deliver you to somewhere exotic before noon.
Only my clock still read 6:45am and rather than a flight, we were trying to catch a school bus.
And I'm not sitting at the beach sipping an electric lemonade, listening to the waves crash at my feet ... instead I'm listening to kids whine while I frantically try to fill up a sippy cup full of milk before one of them breaks down on my kitchen floor into a full fledged tantrum.
You see? I wouldn't even be thinking of that sandy beach and warm sun ... if it weren't for waking up in the dark.
For that. I really really loathe daylight savings time.
Just so you know.
Here's the deal. My kids are making life very difficult for me. They are very predictable that way. And this is no exception.
I'm out of material. I have nothing to write about. Every free moment I have, I've been putting into a new project, that I'll reveal to you all soon! Jake and Drew haven't misbehaved. Emily hasn't had any recent words of wisdom. Molly, who now has a nasty cold, hasn't been posing for the camera. Big Daddy just returned from out of town business and I got nuthin' for ya people. NOTHING!
So, I'm turning the tables. You tell me what you want me to write about.
That's right!
You!
Ask me questions. Anything at all.
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME OR US!
You can ask me by leaving a comment here on this post, or email me. I'll answer all the questions randomly.
Oh dear heavens ... what am I getting myself in to?
Okay.
{{Deep Breath}}
I'm ready!
{{Exhale}}
GO!
If you're here via the Ultimate Blog party ... Welcome To An Iowa Mom. I'm super glad you stopped by. I know that you have a ton of Blog Parties to head to, so I'll just tell you a little bit about me, my family and my blog and then let you subscribe for updates over there ------> and then you can come back and visit me again, when you have more time to stay awhile. Deal?
Great!
About me?
Hmmmm. I live in Iowa. And I'm a Mom. DUH - I wasn't just making up the title An Iowa Mom to look good. HA! We all know how EVERYONE wants to live in Iowa, where we receive over 60 inches of snow and ice and it's still 10 degrees in March. EVERYONE wants to endure that with four kids. Any woman would find this to be a dream come true. Right?
No?
Shoot, I must have made a wrong turn somewhere. Darn it.
I'm just kidding.
I do like my kids ... sometimes.
And I do love to live in Iowa ... in the summer.
Those kids of mine that I mentioned, are:
I know, I know ... you have to run. Have to make the rounds. Be a good party goer. Maybe I'll see you out and about.
Don't forget to come back when you have more time. I'd love to have you. And, let me know where I can find you and I'll be sure to stop by.
My prize choices are: #59, 55, 60, 117, 140, 7, 8, 100, 20, 9, 70, 81
I'm flipping through pictures that Drew probably took and I run across this one:
What the heck? What is she doing?
If she is posing like this at age four ... what is she going to be doing at age twenty-four?
Oh God, don't answer that!
I'm starting to get light headed.
Big Daddy? If you're reading ... I think it's best you go now. I wouldn't recommend reading responses.
But I have. My email box is overflowing with email. And I do love it.
You guys are the BEST readers any blog could have. Showering me with comments and email and all.
As many of my regular readers know, I like to respond to their comments. I truly appreciate the fact they've taken the time to read my blog, and sometimes leave me a few words in response to what I've written. A lot of you send me email only, rather than "publicizing" their thoughts to all my other readers. And that is fine.
But between the two. My inbox is always full. Which I said before, I LOVE! And I when I see all those bold subject lines, I have an overwhelming need to read them and respond as soon as I can.
So, I feel a need to let you know that I'm going to switch things up a bit. I'm no longer going to receive comments by email.
I will be commenting on your comments in my comments section of the post. Did you get that?
Many bloggers do this, so I figured I'd give it a whirl.
Why am I telling you this? Because many of you have come to know that I like to respond back to you ... and I won't stop doing that ... it just won't be via email, so if you leave a comment, check back to the post from now on to see if I've responded ... if you care.
Here goes nothin'.
Now, I'm going to need lots of practice, since I'm new at this ... so don't be shy. Start leaving some me comments.
Emily before leaving to go to school: Wow. I look really pretty. I bet my friends at school can't wait to tell me how cute I look.
As her mother ... I can only hope she has the confidence she shows today ... forever.
I want to start this post by saying that I've haven't been as mad as I am right now ... in a long long LONG time.
Pissed is not even a good description of how I feel. If you were to insert a thermometer into my veins at this precise moment ... I can pretty much bet you on my children, that my blood would be boiling. BOILING I TELL YOU!
But wait, if I'm wrong ... does that mean you'd get my children as a reward? Does it? OKAY THEN, I'm sure my blood is not ACTUALLY boiling.
You win. Game over. When are you coming to retrieve your prize?
You're not? Damn it.
I wouldn't either.
They are the reason I'm so upset. Why I'm beyond words, really. Composing this post is actually just a means for me to calm down before I seriously consider strangling my youngest child. Yeah, that sweet little angel that is pictured above. The one in her bed and never allowed to come out of her room again.
BRAT!
HEATHEN!
TOTAL ..... I don't know what. But Total Something!!
I will not give you all the details. Reliving the entire situation may cause my heart to start pounding out of my chest again, and I'm just now starting to calm down a bit.
You are great therapy. Just so you know.
Long story short. I obviously was not paying close enough attention to my children. AND NO I WAS NOT ENGROSSED IN A "THE HILLS" EPISODE. My girls were behaved perfectly for the 2 hours I indulged in that. It was after wards that I lost control of them.
Jake begins screaming from the basement. "MOM! MOM! MMMMMOOOOOOMMMM!" That in and of itself ticked me off, because I CAN.NOT.STAND for my kids to yell for me from another room. If you want to talk to me ... stand up and use your legs to bring yourself to me. Period.
So, I holler back at him to come up and talk to me if he feels there is something soooo important that he needed to scream.
He did. And to be completely honest, I have no idea what he said. But, the look on his face and the fact that he ran back down the stairs before I answered ... intrigued me enough to follow.
Part of me wishes I hadn't. Maybe if I ignored it, it wouldn't have happened.
I know you all are expecting some huge. And it may not be a big deal to some of you. But ... to me it was.
MILK.
MILK and SIPPY CUPS.
MILK. SIPPY CUPS and NO SIPPY CUP PLUGS.
MILK. SIPPY CUPS. NO SIPPY CUP PLUGS and GIGGLING GIRLS.
MILK. SIPPY CUPS. NO SIPPY CUP PLUGS. GIGGLING GIRLS. DANCING IN THE "SNOWSTORM".
I'm going to say ONE thing. I do not allow any drinks out of my kitchen. Ever.
That and it took me almost 2 hours to wipe down walls, send my children to bed without showers or books, dap up furniture, scream for my children to never come within 2 feet of me again, scrub carpet, reiterate that this is the exact reason beverages belong in the kitchen only, febreeze everything in sight, kick the cat, vacuum every square inch of carpet vveerryy sssslllowly just to be sure I suck every drip up, and then regret not taking a picture to share with you all before I went into my frenzy. Because I KNEW you'd like that.
The sight of it was truly unbelievable.
Okay. My temper is still raging.
I guess you'll have to tell me about something one of your kids did that totally lit your fuse and then blew it threw the roof.
Yeah ... do that. I think that will make me feel much better.
Please don't ask me what in the heck has happened to me, but I am officially addicted to bad TV. You all thought my dedication to Dog The Bounty Hunter was bad? Oh yeah, I have so moved on.
As many of you know I became a loyal member of Blockbuster Total Access. LOVE. IT. Since we never go to movies, I don't know why ... maybeithassomethingtodowiththesefourkidswholivewithme ... ahem ... so this cool little service caught me up on some of the movies I've been wanting to see.
However, there is only so many movies one person can watch before they all start running together and you don't know which blond actress fell in love with which hunk in which chick flick.
So I took a break from movies.
BUT, I don't want to waste my membership monthly fee, so I decide on the recommendation of a friend, to order a disk set of Weeds.
Have you ever seen Weeds?
OH.MY ... I can not even wait for next season that I'm sure everyone else has watched on HBO, or Showtime ... or whatever channel I don't have and it's old time news ... as I'm anticipating plopping my butt on my couch and watching the entire season in one sitting ... just like I did the first two.
So then Weeds was over. And I want another series because there is nothing better than watching episodes back to back to back and not having to watch the stinkin' teasers that keep my panties in a bunch until the following week ... when the next episode airs.
But I don't know of any series, because I'm a loser like that. But not as big of a loser as I'm about to become.
I remembered back to a long time ago and I was reading a Dooce post. Because ... hello ... everyone reads Dooce, right? And she in passing mentioned something about watching "The Hills". So, because I knew of nothing else, and I love Heather ... I ordered Season One and it arrived the next day in my mailbox. I had no idea what it was, or what it would be about.
And that was last Thursday. And I watched it and returned it and got Season Two ... and I've watched it already. I'm hooked on the freakin' most immature, too young and hip for me, show.
I yell at Spencer and Heidi through my television like my husband yells at the Dallas Cowboys. I have fights with myself telling me to shut off the damn DVD because it's ridiculous ... but then I say, "JUST ONE MORE EPISODE!" It's like a drug. And before I even knew it, I had ingested everything I had available to me.
And it drove me crazy.
So, I actually Googled THE HILLS and MTV ... because I'm becoming more cool since I've been watching it and I knew that the show normally airs on MTV. 3 days ago ... I would not have know that.
Here is the problem ... the site will allow me to watch every single episode of season three. So, I don't have to wait for the boxed set to be available.
This is trouble.
I have work to do, ya know?
I have kids to watch and play with ... and parent ... and yell at.
I have 36 years behind me. THIRTY SIX!
I have no business watching this show.
But, it's right there for the taking.
And I have to go now.
Because Lauren is waiting for me.
Jen over at Laughing At Chaos sent this to me ... and I think it will ring true for many many people, so I wanted to share it with all of you.
Want to know what's going on around the house? Just give your 7 year old a camera and tell him to have at it.
SO BUSTED! We DO NOT allow the kids to jump on the beds. I know, we are as Emily says, "THE MEANEST PARENTS EVER!"
When I showed Emily this photo, she said, "That's not me! I wasn't jumping on the bed!" Oh the teenage years are going to be fun, aren't they?
Give your kid a camera and see what they come up with. Then post the photos on your blog and let me know so I can come see.
I promise ... I WILL stop talking about Jessie and our unfortunate circumstances. But I do have to share something Emily said ... and truly made me smile and remember how innocent and simple minded children are.
After explaining that Jessie was now in "doggie heaven" ...
Emily came up and asked if Jessie was going to be okay when it got dark
... since she was all the way up in the sky.
She asked if she would be
scared.
If someone would help her if she had to pee or poop.
And
if they had towels to clean it up if Jessie didn't go in the right
place ... SINCE SHE WAS NEW!
Loved That!
